suffocation.

In case you don't read my regular blog anymore. I think you've only been on it twice since we split.
Anyway.

Tonight was incredibly awkward. I have never reacted like I did to someone that I pushed away from me. Ever. It was completely unexpected, and part of my acting weird was 1. I've never had that reaction before and 2. I was more adljgkhalckjad than I let on.
Or maybe you could see it.
Good damn thing you didn't have to experience it. I thought I wasn't even going to be able to hold the bowling ball. Or stand. Legs turned to jelly.
I think it was because Matze was there.
Or not. I'm not sure.
Either way...
It happened.

I know you were trying to be civil. I would have talked had I not reacted like I did, and my mind was still. It was the total opposite. Going faster than ever. I wasn't even sure if it was safe to open my mouth. I thought I was going to puke.
I'm sorry I was so aldkgh with you. It's just...so much better to not say anything at all. I realize you and Angel are friends. I won't stop that, and I won't cause any crap between you two. You are welcome to hang around when she's around. It's just hard. My idea of being civil to you is to not say anything at all unless you need something [the phone calls from last week or whenever].
I wasn't sure if anything would come out of my mouth if I opened it. If I would scream or what.

My life...
Is so much easier. So much better. I'm so much lighter.
Without you.

If you desperately need something, you're safe.
Otherwise...
I cannot see you. Talk to you. Hear you. Acknowledge you.
It doesn't hurt. It just makes me sick.
I'm only safe with your blog. That's all I can deal with in regards to you. Because it's my own will, my own time, that I read it. And I don't have you standing there watching me and attempting to understand why I'm reacting a certain way.
Among other things.

On a sidenote, Matze is really sweet. You seem happy. He does too.
It's been a while since I've seen you happy with someone.
Hmm.
I'm not sure if you deserve him or not.
I barely know him.
But still.
He's not who I expected him to be. At all.
Nice catch. Good luck keeping it.

That's all I have to say.
I promise I won't kill you if you pop up one day. It's just...
simply by you being there, I feel the suffocation.
So.
That's that.

[and of course i found a song you might like. electronic poet. the japanese popstars.
dear god. it never ends.]