Untitled 29

Lalala.
So I don't write everyday now.
Don't really need to, since I can talk to you more directly and whatnot now.
But I'll still keep writing when the mood hits.
I know you like them.
=]



I'm getting excited.
I'm really happy with where we are.
I know I keep saying that.
But it's true.



Anyway.
You're right.
We need to get together and write out some goals and junk.
You know what I'm talking about.



And I still wanna go somewhere.
Like, the beach or...iuno.
Wherever.
For a day, or the weekend or something.
Whatever.
Time with you.
Only you.
To do whatever we want.
....
=]



Mom needs to lay off you.
Actually, everyone does.
Ugh.
I'm serious.
They're gonna get a piece of my mind one day.
Ahhhh -screams-



I've still got yer shirt.
The smell's fading though.
....go ahead and laugh.
xD
But yer smell calms me, and helps me sleep.



Ahh.
Come cuddle with me.
I missed you today.
=[



Anddddddd.
We need to talk about plans for Saturday.
You mentioned something about a movie a couple days ago.
I still wanna see Atonement.
So...yes? No?



-needs sleep-
Going to bed.
Mmm, I love you.
And I'll be here for you no matter what.
Seriously.
Not going anywhere.
I'm your Bella.
=] <3

Untitled 28

Ahh -screams-
Yer parents suck.
And so does Jared.
We need to get out.
Especially you.
Fer real.



Mmm, I missed you tonight.
All day, actually.
I wanted you to come over, as always.
I enjoy our nights together.
Mhm.
Yer amazing.
Enough said.



I'm tired.
I'll post something better tomorrow.
I have a lot to say, and I'm sure you know what's coming, I'm just too tired to try to focus on anything properly.



Mmm, I love you.
And I'm happy with where we are.
...you take that however you wish.
Ha =]



Ahh -goes to sleep-

Untitled 27

So....
Neither of us have changed our status on myspace.
......
Wthell are we doing?
xD



Like, I know neither of us ever came out with making a relationship official.
And I know we said whatever happens happens.
But....
o_O
Ha iuno.
Maybe we should say/do something?
xD
Especially after last night.



I feel like an idiot for posting this.
But really.
Nothing's been said.
So.
......



I need to go back to sleep.
xD
Are we gonna fix anything?
It's confusing.
xD;

Untitled 26

I love you.



The end.
=] <3

Untitled 25

Tooootally meant to post this yesterday.
I actually just remembered I had it.
Wrote it at work.
Came home, sat it somewhere.
...you know me.
So, here goes.
Blog #3 for today.
>_<



Just a thought.
"Bella says you need love. I used to think otherwise."
...yeah she told me about that.
> >;



So I guess you see you need it, then.
But where does that leave you, now?




Not us.
You.



Does that mean you still need, or even want, my love?
Or....what?
I uhm.
Just want to know how you see things, now, since you've changed a bit.
What you want from me.
What you want from everyone else, even.




Maybe you should write a self-reflection blog or something.
....yes, I just said that.
But I feel it's important for me to know.
But whatever you think, I guess.
If you're not ready to tell me, then sure.
It's fine.
=]



I'm here for you.
And I'm here to understand you.

Untitled 24

There's something That I just asked myself for the first time.
Ever.



Why did you fall for me?
I've never asked you that.
You've asked me, in terms of me falling for you.
But uhm.
Ha. xD



So why?
What attracted you to me?
Why'd you fall in love with me?
o_O
....if that's what we can even call it anymore?
I'm not sure.
From the things you've said recently, I still say you love me.
But that's not what I'm here to write/argue about.
........

It just seems funny.
You're basically perfect.
At least, to me, you are.
And I'm......o_O
Well, I'm not.
We'll just leave it at that.



Just answer the question.
I'm gonna shut up now.
I've rambled way too much today.
And made a complete fool of myself, now.
xD


<3

Untitled 23

Stupid book.
Reminds me of Twilight.
And reminds me of you.
Little things this guy does for his girlfriend are some of the small things you used to do to me.
And how she has to do certain things, like look up and kinda stand funny to kiss him, cause he's taller than her.
Ha.
Reminds me of myself.



Omggggg.
I miss you.
I vividly remember those kisses before you'd leave my house, when we'd be at the door in my room.
I just...
-sigh-
Seeing you is going to drive me nuts.
I honestly don't know which it'll do more of; harm or help.
You have no idea the urge I'm fighting, even now, to just be all OMGILOVEYOU<3.
Ahh jesus.



It makes me wonder if you'd do the same thing.
Fight the same urge.
Or are doing, rather.
And if I snuck in one of those kisses like I used to, when I'd "leave you hanging", would you push me away, or would you give in?
o_O



I can think about things that happened between us a bit easier now.
I can see them clearly.
More so than before, when I was more of a mess, after....
Yeah.
And they don't hurt as much, either.
Maybe cause I feel like I know what's going to happen, once again.
But maybe not, either.
Cause it seems I've managed a breakthrough.
....I think I'm still in awe from that.
xD



Iunoooo.
I just....
Love how you used to be.
When we were together.
A totally different world to me.
Heaven, I'd dare to say.
I loved your touch.
Your hugs.
Your kisses.
Your smell.
How you used to hold me.
Everything.
Ahh.
I still love all those things, really.
o_O
-goes insane-



I only want you back.
But I refuse to push you into anything.
And yes, I know I just brought up the past.
Not something I'm fond of, but my moods get me like this, and I have to get it out.
I just wonder if you deal with this shit as much as I do.
Or if it's this intense.
Maybe some answers, if you're up for talking about it?
If not, it's fine.
Believe me, I understand.



adlgkjsdkgjsofig.
-cries-
I miss you.
So fucking much.
x___x

Untitled 22

Jesus.
I post a lot now.
o_O



Anyway, just had a thought.
Figured you should be informed.
> >;



Everyone seems to be giving you another chance because I'm giving you another one.
So hey;
Let's not screw this one up?
I don't think you will.
But I thought that last time, too.
All I know is I have more faith in you now than ever.
...yeah.



Ashley's going down with me if I go down.
So let's not make us all fall down, yeah?
=]




<3

Untitled 21

>_<
God damn dreams.
They make me want you back even more.
Ahhh -screams-



These aren't nightmares.
But they're not making me happy either.
And they're not helping.



Makes me wonder if you're having, or have had, these dreams, too.
They're of us, happy, okay, etc.
You know, like we used to be.
ifjsdcmiaiocalkcmsoiaj;dksjvlskdajgaskdjg.
=[
-dies-

Untitled 20

Thanks for the phone call tonight.
You saved me.
From a lot.
=]



Even though I feel like crying again.
I'm still smiling.
So maybe it's good?
-shrug-



The apartment thing's gonna be stressful, I know.
But I think we'll manage.
We've dealt with worse.
xD;



I've given up caring about what everyone else says.
Like, my mom's not real happy I'm still involved in you somehow but I just don't give a damn anymore.
I really don't.
It's my life.
Enough said.
>_<



Uhm.
I'm proud of you.
But I think I've said that a million times.
So I'm just gonna shut up.



"I miss this girl...i miss her like whoa"
........
I miss you too...?
Yeah.



And I'm gonna feel real dumb if that wasn't towards me.
xD
But now you know how I feel.
Haaa.



I need sleep.
Hopefully I'll get to see you tomorrow.
I think things are looking up for us both now.
More for you than me, since you seem to be seeing things more clearly than before.
And if you fall, I'm gonna catch you.
You know that.
Just do the same for me.
That's all I ask.
Promise?



<3

Untitled 19

Lalala.
It just occured to me that you might actually be reading these things now.
Ha.
D:



So if I like, scare you with them or something, talk to me.
Kay?
I don't want you running off on me.



Sidenote, I think Jess is proud of you.
You know, for making an effort this time, of some sort.
.....talk to her.
I don't know.
> >;

Untitled 18

Ahhhh -screams-



I feel awful.
I'm cold.
I'm sick.
I'm all dead feeling, and achy at the same time.
And I miss you like hell.
=[



I sorta just want you to come over and make me all warm and feel better, and stuff.
Like you used to.
But I don't think that'll happen.
So.
>_<



"Hate my fucking life, wish I was dead"
Fits perfectly for now.
D:



blahblahblahimissyoublahblahblahiloveyoublahblahblah.
-dies-

Untitled 17

I really hate how I get all these mixed emotions.
One minute I want to club you to death.
The next I just want to sit down with you and hug you till you're okay again.
>_<



You said you wanted someone you could tell your life story to.
Well, I'm here if you wanna tell me.
And you know that.
=]



And you can write me a note or blog or something, if it helps.
You know, like I'm doing.
-shrug- whatever floats yer hippo.
xD
















Like I've always said, we'll be okay.
No relationship of any sort is perfect.
And I don't give a fuck what anyone says anymore.
I kind of need you.
=/



<3>

Untitled 16

lololz.
fucking day of hell today.
and i come home and read yer livejournal.
wooooo that makes me happy.
>_<
sick of the bella situation, eh?

















Me too.



Fucking done.
Hooooomg.




Why don't YOU stop talking to me, if you're so over this.
Maybe that'll make things easier.
But I doubt that.
Cause I doubt you can get rid of me.
Yepyepyep.
D:<

Untitled 15

When are you gonna admit that it was you talking to me the whole time, and there was no James around?
I wanted to ask you that last night.
But I was too distracted by how broken you looked.
-dies- D:



And uhm.
.............
Well fuck.
I forgot what else I was gonna ask you.
Fucking 3 hours of sleep, and up at 5:30 for that god damn driving class.
UGH.
Thank you, dear, for robbing me of my sleep last night.
The one night I needed it most.
>_<





-later-
The cd thing.
....
You "forgot" it.
Was that just an excuse so you could see me again?
Or did you even make it?
I don't even know what to believe out of you anymore.
................................
That's really pathetic.
And you said "I have no reason to lie to you."
>_<

Untitled 14

Oh my god.
You just left.
And like.
Those couple minutes were absolutely awful.


Your face.
Your eyes.
The way you stood.
The way you sounded.
Even the way you acted.
Everything.


You were so timid.
And I've never seen the look you had on your face.
It scared me.
And now it's haunting me.
D:


I mean.
You looked empty.
Dead.
Like a zombie.
I've never seen someone look so dead in my life.
And that's what's stuck in my head.
And what's tearing me apart.


Omggg.
I want you back.
But I can't do it.
I just can't.


I don't ever want to see you like that again.
I thought you were going to fall over and die on me out there.
You sounded like you were about to break down and bawl your eyes out, too.
Your voice....so quiet.
A whisper.
It scared me.
It really did.


Don't be like that over me.
Please don't.
I can't stand to see you like that.
It's ripped me to pieces.


I went back to the house.
With Allen on the phone.
Yeah.
I'm sure you knew that.
But really.
I needed him.
...Anyway.
I was still outside when I broke down.
I don't know if you heard me or if you were already in your car.
Or even if you could hear me from where you were.
But either way.
D:


I wanted to tell you I was sorry.
But I don't really have anything that I'm sorry for.
Besides us not being together.
And not working out, and all that junk.
But none of this is my fault, Jeremy.
I just felt so bad when I saw your face.


Please be okay.
Don't worry about me.
I'll get myself together eventually.


At least you couldn't see them.
I wanted you to.
So you would know what I'm feeling, and what I'm going through.
But at the same time I didn't want to scare you.
I do still care.
And I do still love you.
As much as I hate it, now.
Really.


I can't write anymore.
It feels like someone's standing on my chest.
And they're stabbing me in the stomach and the heart at the same time.
Yeah.
I'm feeling physical pain.
=[







Sidenote;
I'd like to thank you for ruining several enjoyable things for me, Twilight and Blaqk Audio, among others.
=[

Untitled 13

Dear Jeremy,



Get your shit together.
And don't come back.



Thanks for fucking me up.
And practically killing me.
I'm on my way to insanity again.
Just look at my wrists.



Fuck you, Jeremy Snow.

Untitled 12

Holy fuck.
It just hit me that you're gone.
Oh god.
DDDDDD:












Someone save me.

Untitled 11

I hope you like living in misery.
Cause you seem to be doing a good job of it.
And I'm not there to save you anymore when you break down.
Which is what I did a couple times.
When you very nearly snapped.


...I remember the suicidal moment you had a while back.
Yeah.
And well.
It still scares me.
Cause any morning I feel I could wake up and find you dead.
Especially now.


You're not over me.
And I'm not over you.
But whatever.
I guess I'm not allowed to be involved in you anymore.
Whatever you say, kid.


And you told me not to let people walk all over me.
Ever stop and think about how much control you had over me?
Yeah.
Didn't think so.


Whatever I suppose.
I mean, I was the only one that was there for you, it seems.
That listened.
That helped.
That was willing to help.
That wanted you to be okay.
And not be alone.
But if you don't want that.
Then I'm gone.


You know what's gonna happen.
But you say it won't.
Prove me wrong, baby.
Prove me wrong.


You're such a fucking hypocrite.
And a liar.
Woo happy day~

Untitled 10.

I never thought I'd see the day I'd fall back into old habits.


I spent much of my night waking up by twitching.
Or not sleeping at all.
So I'm deprived of sleep.


Thanks for ruining what I had left.
All because of Allen.
Iuno what you have against him now, but you really should believe me.
You have to trust me to love me.
And I guess you don't love me?
Since you don't know why we love.
And stuff like that.


I've been clean a year and 2 weeks.
And I've fallen back into old habits again.
Because of you.
That's how important you are in my life.
......
Yeah.
I'm cutting again.


Thanks, Jeremy DeWayne Snow.
A lot.
For taking what life I had and ending it for me.

Untitled o9

You've ruined me, you know.
Thanks so much.







I fucking love you too.

Untitled o8

Jeremy,

I know Amy got you really upset last night. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to kill her. Or at least hurt her real bad.

Whatever she says to bring you down, to hurt you, anything negative at all, don't listen to her. Please. there's a few possible reason she'd say things like she did, but I'll never know for sure.

Please, whatever she says, don't change for her. Just be you. That's who I love. You. =]

You're an amazing person. You really are. And you're so accomplished in so many ways. You've got talent, in whatever you do. You're intelligent; far more brilliant than much of the population. You have common sense. And you care, you’re sensitive, loving, absolutely adorable, etc. You’re personality’s amazing. Yes, you’re completely mental and silly, but it’s what fits you. You’re real, Jeremy. You’re truth. You’re what a lot of people need to be, and what some even strive to be. A real good role model.

I just want you to know all that. I love you for who you are, the truth inside you, and not some person you would pretend to be. And I’ll never call you out on your mistakes, flaws, or any negative traits, because everyone has those. It’s a fact of life, and Amy will just have to accept it.

I don’t know why she’d ever say shit anyway. Maybe she’s jealous that I have you and she doesn’t [not to sound conceited]. Or maybe she thinks you’ve tried to ruin her life enough and is getting back at you. Who knows. Maybe it’s just the psycho bitch coming out of her. It seems she’s obsessed. She’ll have to deal. She needs to move on.

At any rate, don’t bother with her. Just be happy, and live your life the way you want. The only changes you should make is what makes you feel comfortable.

I love you, babe.


Bella

Untitled o7

I'm sorry for last night.
I just want to be honest with you.
And I know you do too.
But I don't want to say the wrong thing and ruin us.


You terrified me with the attachment conversation.
I don't know what you were implying, besides that I shouldn't get too attached.
I mean.
If that's the only thing, then sure.
But I just don't know why you'd say something like that [other than your basic belief that you shouldn't be too attached to the other person in a relationship]
My first thought was "oh god we're not gonna last and something's gone wrong in his head and he's gonna end this soon."
I don't know if I get easily attached or not, but I think I do.
Seeing as lately, I can hardly sleep if you haven't been here or something.
You just help me relax so much better.
=]


Either way, I'm sorry.
I don't want anything going wrong with us.
I'm not sure I could take it.
I love you, and I want this to work.
Maybe I need a bit more time to contemplate the Amy thing.
I think that's what's always in the way.
I just....need to understand more, or something.
I'm not sure.
But I'm trying my best.


Don't let me fuck this up.
Please.


And tell me we're going to be okay.


I love you.

Bella


ps; I'm not worried about the past now. I'm just worried about where we are now.