Untitled 54

You have something to say.
And you want to say it.
Maybe it's not the right time or something.



Whatever it is.
Good or bad.
Say it when you want.
I'll be right here.



Maybe we can be civil to each other?
Instead of fighting through blogs and calling each other pathetic and shit like that.
You know?
Doesn't mean you have to like me.
Just.
Not jump into a fight whenever you see or hear from me.
....Maybe?



-sigh-

Untitled 53

I'm crazy.
We all are.



Lalala.
I'll be by sometime today, I guess.
Or tomorrow.
Whatever.
Don't see how you're going out of your way.
It's not like I live miles away or anything.
Idiot.



I keep the scarf, you keep the cat.
I know you like it.
-laughs-
And I've got that book, too.



Hmm.
You're still reading my posts.
Ha.
Niiiice.
> >;



Whateverrr.
I hate you.
Kieusero.

Just an idea...

of how I really am right now.
Not that you care.
But you seem to.
Since you're all OMGDON'TCUT and junk.
-laughs-

Untitled 52

I don't know why you apologized.
I don't know why you think you're cool, IMing me.
I don't know why you care what I do to myself.
I don't know why you care if I die or not.
I don't know you.



You do the same shit.
You drink.
You fuck yourself up.
I'm not even going into it.
Fuck you.



I'm in a great mood.
And I'm not being sarcastic.
Cause I spent time with asianboy today.
And that was amazing.



You owe me shit.
And soon.
I'm not coming to you in 3 months asking for my shit back.
I want it.
Now.
So you can come by after work or something tomorrow and bring it.
After that?
I don't want to see you.

Untitled 51

Ouch.
Your blog stings.







I hate you.

Teido Tashou

This was the diary entry I wanted to show you [Himitsu from myspace]
I guess there's no harm in you reading it now.
And I don't give a fuck if you think it's stupid.
This is mostly what I thought of you at that point, and then I rambled some.
You'll see.

And there's another really short blog at the end.
The Shi Kou blog from myspace?
Yeah, that's it.


"Himitsu" [Secret]
2.25.08

I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel really strange right now.


I feel okay, but at the same time I'm broken.
I feel sick, but hungry.
I feel like crying, but laughing.
I feel like being alone, but want someone here to hold on to.
Stuff like that.
Just mixed up shit.


I wish he'd work stuff out.
I mean.
I love him.
And I'm here for hmi.
But something tells me he doesn't want me anymore.
Like he's sick of me or something.
I'm not sure.


I need him to tell me who he really is.
I need him to open up.
I need him to tell me how he really feels about me.
I know he loves me.
I just don't think he likes me.


And I don't want to give up.
But I can't go through this every couple of weeks.
And I really hate how he breaks up with me when he does this.


I guess this is my moment where I blurt out all the things he does that piss me off or upset me.
...
I hate how he over-reacts and is over-dramatic about shit.
He needs to calm down.
I hate how he lets other people affect him so bad, and he falls apart.
He needs to just let it bounce.
I hate how he gets pissed off too easily at things I do.
It's like I can't do anything right.
I hate how, lately, he's taken to saying "stfu" a lot to me, in a really snappy wy, and then verbally beating me up with his snapping and yelling [and not stopping when I ask].
That fucking scared the living hell out of me.
It still does.
I hate how it's to the point where I feel like I have no control over who I'm friends with cause he doesn't like them.
You're not tearing me away from Jess, Jeremy.
I hate how he always seems to want alcohol, and sometimes gets it.
That scares me to death.


I could probably keep going.
But I won't.
There's so much stuff to fix.
And I don't know what to do.
Esp. since he's at the point of scaring me.
I'm not letting him go.
We'll get shit figured out.


But I'm not changing for him, either.
He hates "christ".
He hates Jess.
He hates Brad.
he hates half my friends, I believe.
He hates those faces I make.
He hates how I drive.
He hates certain ways I type.
I can't do this or that right.
As if he doesn't have any flaws.
I will not change for him.
There will not be a Bella and a Mindy.
There will be one, with both names.
I refuse to build a character for him.
And I refuse to be that submissive.


One thing goes wrong, I'm telling you.
I'll go off on him.
He tries to pull me from Jess.
He keeps yelling at me.
He slips up and hits me.
He tries to control me.
I'm gone.
He'll have to get his shit together again, or I won't be back.
In fact, if he does a couple of the above, I WON'T be back.


He needs help.
I try.
It doesn't work.
Cause he won't let it.
It used to.
Now he won't let me in.
That isn't gonna work.


Oh Jeremy.
I can't lose you.
I need you here, by my side.
Not running away from me.
Or yourself.
Oh god.
D:


I'm kind of afraid to see who he really is.
I'm terrified that like.
Iuno.
His real self is starting to show and the yelling and stuff might be him.
Might be real.
And at the same time, I know what he's doing isn't him at all.
-sigh-
It's so confusing.
I wish I could just close my eyes and be able to forget everything.
Or go to sleep and never wake up.
I mostly just wish he'd come sit down in front of me and tell me everything on his mind.
That he'd talk to me.


God.
Make it all okay.
Make him okay again.
Make him not have an irrational fear of things.
Ahh omg.
-screams-


I want to drown in pills.
Crank.
Something.
Anything that will kill me off.
Or just make me totally psycho.
Or send me into some heavy sleep for days.
Ahh.


He's driving me insane.
How do I deal with it?


I need to sleep.
But I can't.
I'm exhausted.
But my eyes won't close.
And when they do, my mind travels back to him yelling at me like some psycho.
And then the picture turns...


Into him actually standing there.
Yelling at me with his hand raised.
And I'm looking up at him, I can tell, with this shocked/hurt look.
Which makes me think he uhh.
Already hit me and knocked me to the floor.
In this really big apartment.
Really high up.
In a busy city.
...At least some of it's calming.


God, I know he'd never hit me.
But I guess the yelling and snapping and weird moods bring me those thoughts.
Plus that damn book, Dreamland.
Stupid Rogerson.
>_<
Anyway...
And how he pokes me so hard, my arm or whatever still hurts a week later.
o_O
Iuno.
I trust him not to do that, though.


I just seem not to be able to trust his words anymore.
He said he wouldn't do it again.
Famous last words.


I'm mad.
Sad.
Depressed.
Broken.
Sympathetic.
Worried.
Confused.
Amorous.
Scared.
Annoyed.
Everything.


You pick an emotion, I'll give you an explanation.


I'm running out of things to write out.
But I can't stop writing.
I haven't done this lately.
Just been IMs and messages to people and the notes/blog.
Haven't actually written everything out that's been going on lately.
Maybe I need to not let it build up.
Probably why I'm so aklgha too.


...He still owes me money.
Lolz.
I just realized that.
And a CD.
Gave up hope on that, though.
Hmm.
Crank.
Hello Kitty.
He has them.
And my car key.
Again.
He can keep it.
Whatever.
He can do whatever with the other stuff too.
Wonder what he did with all that junk.

Like, I took a bag and threw everything in it.
The dog.
The heart.
The poem.
The InuYasha calendar I was using to keep track of things with us.
And even the goddamn Twilight books.
Cause it's just so goddamn easy to compare him to Cullen.
...Ha.
Even Edward runs off.
More than once, technically.
> >;
Fuck that's creepy.
o_O


Hmm...
I cling to his scarf like it's my life support.
I know he'll be back so I'm not even worried about trying to get my shit back.
Or give his back.
I like the scarf anyway.
It's warm.
And it's his.
-__-


Something tells me I'll get another message from him tomorrow morning.
Or sometime.
Something else tells me I'd like to smack him.
o_O


Everything's a reminder of him.
My posters.
My art.
My books.
My bed.
My chair.
Pokemon.
Music [damn 101.9 for doing that to me yesterday]
Even Bella.


...He needs to fucking stop scaring her to death.
omg.


I'm rambling.
Gonna try to get some sleep.
$10 says he won't go to school tomorrow.
Watch.
...Ugh.
It's 4am.
-screams-


Yay for 10 pages of nothing.
Fuck.






"Shi Kou..." [I think...]

I found this in one of Mary's first posts of the 2007 year.
It's self explanatory.


Speaking of trust, it really hurts people when you lead them on and then throw everything back in their face when you're through with them. It's one thing to lose feelings for somebody, but when you're having thoughts about another fucking girl you'd better say something. And if you're having a problem with me, TELL ME so I can work on it.

Good. Fucking. Gracious.


I uhh.
Agree with her.
...
I sound like an idiot.
But seriously.
In my situation right now?
That's all I really have to say.
Problems with someone?
The only solution is to open up to them and tell them.
So things can be fixed.





Thank you, Jeremy Snow.
I hope you get yourself together.
You need help.


>_<
I hate how I still care about you.
Fucking hell.

Reminder.

Just a reminder.



You owe me Crank.
Hello Kitty.
My key, again.
The money for the router, and the BMG ticket.
And my heart back.
Kaythx.




You come to me when you want to see me.
Kay?

Untitled 50

Arigato subarashii.
Rou.



Kieusero.

Untitled 49

I just had a thought.
And it probably won't make much sense.
If any.
But uhm.



Can't you like.
Figure your shit out without stopping everything that's going good in your life?
Can't we still be together?



Or do you not want me in your life at all now, or something?
I feel like you're not happy with me when you do stuff like this.
I don't know.
Oh god.
D:



It hurts.
-cries-

Untitled 48

kadhgasdklgsd
oh god.
i feel so bad.



just be okay.
D:



i love you.
no matter what.
=/

Bara Ki.

Just some things I remember.



01.23.08
Bella,

I've been a fool.
I am who I am.
I've found myself.
I woke up this morning..
well wait lets start at last night.
I went to bed early. I never do that. & I had a dream.
It was about me, who I was, and ALL.
I woke up this morning and said..." who am I" and everything made since... everything. Ive said and done. and the past was clear. and gone. its of course the past... I see myself now, the future.

WHOEVER I WAS.
WHATEVER I WAS.
WHATEVER I SAID
WHATEVER I DID.
SEE THAT IT WAS NOT ME.

I see.
sorry
I want to move on.
with this behind us....

You Bella, helped me find myself.
it took me hurting you, to see what love was. and I know apologizing will never help.
love was and is hard for me, but now I see.
love is love.
and I was stubborn.

I want to be there for you.
my friend.


[j]eremy



01.25.08
"Bella says you need love. I used to think otherwise."



02.05.08
-Bella: If you are still fearing what happened last time...fear no more..really.
and the song...well that was the past...it struck me pretty hard...
remember--"it's starting to sting now" it was a defective part of me, that is now longer in existence.



And now I get this;

Bella.

Ive fallen into a self reflection mode.
Ill need a while to function properly again.
dont call
dont comment
dont message
dont text.
dont anything.

until i do.



Guess I did have reason to worry.
Huh.
Who would have known.

Untitled 47

I knew this would happen.
I've been sensing it for a couple days now.



I'm starting to hate your family.
Because I know that's why you're in self reflection mode.
And they're what tears you apart.



I'm also starting to feel like giving up on you.
As much as I love you.
But I know I can't do that, even if I try.
...You know we can't even make it a month before you get all adlgihadlgiadhk for whatever reason?
We had three days left.
Till our one month.



I love you, Jeremy.
And you can't keep letting people fuck you up.
Please get yourself together for good this time.
I don't know how many times I can handle you stabbing me in the chest.



This was a wonderful thing to wake up to , by the way.

Untitled 46

So uhh.
You might've noticed i skipped two notes.
There's a reason for that.



Simply;
One's really bitchy.
After last night, you know.
I got kinda ladhga.
The other is uhh.
Just confusing.
And I'm not sure why I wrote it.



If you want to read them, I'll post them.
I'm just afraid you'll go all aldgkhioahg on me.
Cause I'm not really sure what's going on with you.
So yeah.
D:



-sigh-
I'm at a loss for words.

<3

Untitled 43

Jess doesn't like my hair.
D:
And our moods are just not mixing today.
Oh god.
Save me.



I figured you weren't mad anymore.
Or you probably wouldn't have come over yesterday?
Or something.
....ha.



Never.
Ever.
EVER putting on eyeshadow again.
Kay?
xDD
You wear yers different anyway.
So if I'd put mine on like you do yers, it wouldn't have looked that bad.
But instead, I end up looking like a crackwhore.
Ugh.
Never again.
-screams-



This is so pointless.
Ahhhhhh.
I need a shower.
-goes-



I love you...
times infinity plus one.
=] <3






Two things I just thought of.


....I have class on our one month.
Fuuuuuuuck.
D:<
Maybe I can get out of it?
But you probably have to work, too.
> >;



....
And, you know, you still owe me a Christmas present.
That CD.
...
You ever gonna do anything with that?
xDDD

Untitled 42

I'm so sorry about earlier.
I hate making you mad.
And us getting all aldkghladg.
-feels horrible-



And then I felt even worse when I read your blog.
And you were still all BELLA I LOVE YOU.
Uuuuuuuugh.
I hate myself sometimes.
And this place.
And my psycho fucking grandmother.
OMG -screams-



Come save me.
D:
-sigh-



Come see me when you get off work tomorrow or something.
If you're not gonna be busy or something.
I'm supposed to get my hair done tomorrow.
We'll see how that goes.
> >;



Well.
I'm sorry.
And I love you.
I reeeeaaaallllllly do.
=]

<3

Untitled 41

Last night was fun.
Now I think I'll drag you to Seether with me.
=]
Haha.



But really.
The show was amazing.
And the walk in the city was nice too.
Even if my lungs were on fire.
xD



So.
I'm in a mood.
I think I just miss you.
Cause we've been spending all this time together lately.
And I've hardly even talked to you today.
=[



You're papers are still sitting here.
Along with the Timbaland and Atreyu CDs you wanted.
I guess you're not coming to get yer stuff.
Heh.
-sigh-



The nightmares are coming back.
So be prepared for moodiness, due to lack of sleep.
It'll happen sometimes.
-screams-



I love you.
<3

Untitled 40

God you suck.
Post a goddamn blog.
xD


-is impatient-





...i love you.
Happy Valentine's day.
You're wonderful, darling.
=]


<3

Untitled 39

Happy Birthday!
=]





Yer 18 now.
Oh lord.
Don't abuse the privilege of being legal.
ha.




I love you!
<3






V-day tomorrow, technically.
You never called me, which is fine.
I told you to go to bed anyway.
We'll figure something out.
It's not like I'm having a huge v-day bash or something.
Just you and me time.
8)

Untitled 38

Oh darling.
I know today's been hell.
But things get worse before they get better.
You know that.



Just keep breathing.
Keep calm.
etc.
You'll be alright.
Don't let everything bother you so much.
Take it in stride, let it bounce off you.
I promise it'll work.



And I wish I could say something better.
Or you know, come up with some spell to make everything perfect.
But I can't.
-sigh-
At least, when things get crappy, you have me, as usual.
Promise I'll catch you.
=]



I'm just gonna end this.
It's the same story over and over again.
I guess I just want to reassure you or something, when you have your moments.
-shrug-



I love you.
Like whoa.
<3

Untitled 37

I wanna know how I got through today.
I kept looking at the clock and dying every time.
Just wishing you were home.
=]]



I better see you tomorrow.
I don't care if we're still sick.
Though I don't think you want to be exposed to my coughing.
But I seriously cannot stand another minute without you.
So I might choke you to death with a hug when I see you.
Just a heads up.
xD



I love you.
More than anything.
<3

Untitled 36

Thanks for getting me sick.
D:<
My head's all stopped up now.
-cries-



Either way.
I love you.
...now come take care of me.
=]

<3

Untitled 35

Hmm, today was weird.
And I don't have much to say. [haha, the irony]
It just amuses me that we can be =] <3
But it's a comfort, too.



But I hate fighting.
Or getting adlgkadlg with you for whatever reason.
And you know that.
Let's try to keep that minimal, kay?
> >;



Mmm, I love you.
A helluva lot.
=]


<3

Untitled 34

-sigh-
Earlier went well.



I still don't know what I did.
Or how I'm acting weird.
And if you'd be a bit specific, I probably wouldn't be so upset at you.
Cause I can't see why you're mad at me.



And the whole "I hate you so much" thing.
Was totally a joke.
I thought you'd catch on to that.
You know you can't take me seriously when I say things like that.
Ugh.
omg.



So, thank you.
For leaving me here, upset, trying to figure out what exactly I did.
I can't tell what's different.
But for your benefit, I slept a little while.
Now I feel worse than I did before I fell asleep.
But maybe you'll be happy?
D:<



Whatever.
Don't snap like that again.
Kaythx.
-is mad now-

Untitled 33

-screams-
I miss you.
Haven't talked to you today.
Just hoping you're alright.
Being sick and all.
-sigh-



Don't have much to say except today was blah.
And I wish you were on to make me smile.
=]



I sound real lame.
=X



Feel better, babe.
I love you.
<3






And lemme know when I start to bore you with these.
It's bound to happen sometime.
I sound ridiculous.
> >;

Untitled 32

Just a little sidenote.



I keep thinking about that song you showed me tonight.
...
I'm not really sure what to think about it.
Or even if I want to.
Because I don't like to think about what happened then; it still bothers me too much.



But something in that song pulled at my heart tonight.
...I don't know.
-sigh-
Just thought I'd get something out there about that.
Why?
No clue.
-screams-



.....I kinda want a copy of that.
And god dammit!
I want my cd!
And my lyrics!
And all that junk.
D:<



Oh and something about tonight reminded me of Twilight.
Think it was something you said.
But I thought of "You're my brand of heroin".
xD



I'm stupid.
So I'll shut up now.

<3

Untitled 31

I'm missing you like crazy right now.
And I mean crazy, quite literally.
D:
Ask Jess.
xD



Iuno what to get you for yer birthday.
Or Valentine's day.
ha.
You want anything?



I'm surprised you haven't written a blog since yer move and whatnot.
I know it was only yesterday.
But I figured there'd be a novel to read last night.
Haha.
Oh well.
I'll live.
...maybe.



Imissyouiloveyoublahblahblah.
Come see me.
lololz.
=]



-hyper/lonely-
o_O


<3

Untitled 30

-sigh-
I know it seems like I don't have much to say.
But really, I don't know what to say.
I'm just annoyed at yer parents, and that you have to resort to moving to have some peace and quiet in yer life.
Or you know, whatever.
You know what I mean.
-is tired-



I just want things to be okay with you.
ldkgjsfkjghoifjhiof -screams-
I know yer moving and all.
Possibly tomorrow.
Iuno.
I'm not sure if you even know.



Just let me be there for you.
You've been akdghadl all night.
And I don't like it when yer like that.
D:



adklghakldg.
You'll be okay.
Even if things are ladvhadig right now.
...I seem to be using akdlghl a lot.
> >;



Either way, it'll all be okay in the end.
I promise.
=]



I love you.
Fer sure.
<3