Space.We'll figure something out. Even if you have to hide over here for a while. I promise things will be okay eventually.
You know, I never thought I'd say this. But maybe we need some time apart from each other to appreciate each other again. I mean, I'm totally okay with you at this point, as far as being annoyed with you goes. Minus you getting so adhga at me for things I do. That's where the list comes in. You really need to write that, so I have a better understanding. Some things I can change, I'm sure. But there are some things I've probably always done that are just me, and you know...love comes with flaws. It's not perfect. And if you still love me, you'll eventually learn to accept them.
Speaking of love...I'm not exactly sure how you can say you don't know where I stand exactly. Though maybe it's the same way I am right now. I feel like I love you more than you love me, if you love me at all anymore. But I do love you. Absolutely, positively, 100%. How could I not? I might die without you in my life. Having you in my life has made it so much brighter, has made me stronger, made me understand things easier...you've changed me. You've changed my life. And I love every moment we have together, but I hate the fights. But I also know that they're a part of life, and they're not something we can really avoid. Aside from that, which I've accepted, life is amazing with you, and empty without you.
. . . . .
Moving on.
The feelings that fade in and out.......I do the same thing, though I don't think it's quite as often as you do. I get really alkdhglakd with you and things fade then. And there are other times where I'm incandescently happy with you. It's really confusing. I thought I was the only one that did that...
You and I can only help each other when it comes to our relationship. We're the only ones that understand EVERYTHING that we've gone through. And you know, there are going to be really shitty things that happen in relationships, but they all work out. We've gotten through things before, you know. We can work this out again.
This made me think back to the first time we got together. Around the time we went to see Sweeney Todd, you broke up with me, and the way you and I acted that first time, we were together, but distant. It was always odd to me. I was afraid to get close to you sometimes because you'd draw yourself away. And that's what you do now. That took some talking, some arguing, etc. But we got through it. So I really think we can get through this. Hell, we got through the last breakup. We've gone through a lot. We're strong, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I really have faith in this. I just think you need to think about things more, and find some faith in it, too.
The visions....you get visions of James. I get flashbacks of us when we were together. I think there may be some things we go through, or things that you or I do, that remind you of things that happened with you and James. I don't know what happened with you two. I've always been curious, but you don't have to tell me. I've just been curious because it seemed like he was part of the conflict when you and I broke up. He's connected to you, he's made some sort of impact on you, though I don't know what. I just know you two had/have something, that connection....I don't know. Bringing in the Twilight references again, he's kind of like your Jacob. Bella loves him but she can't and isn't going to do anything about it. I'm not getting adlkghad over James. It is what it is. It...honestly doesn't bother me all that much anymore. I understand.
Trail of confusion is an understatement. I hate it. Absolutely loathe it. And like I've said, we really need to work on things. I think, now that you have this in the open, we can. And I guess the idea of having someone has changed? Or I've changed that for you? Because you used to say you were okay being detached from everyone. But I guess you're detached from everyone but me. That's what you said before, and it still makes sense. Make the list, and we'll have that, this, and your blog to go by. It'll get better. Time. It does wonders. You just have to have the proper patience.
The distance with us...I still think that's mostly you. I guess sometimes I act strange and you know, I don't really know why. I get in odd moods sometimes that no one really knows how to react to. A lot of the time I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you, because you won't tell me. I spend a lot of time trying to interpret your thoughts, figure out what's going through your head, why you're reacting to things the way you are, wondering where things are going to go from wherever we are at that moment, etc. I'm trying to read you, which is why I watch you a lot. Though sometimes, when you're in these insanely emotional moods, I watch you to make sure you're not going to just start flailing and screaming in the seat beside me. I just worry. And I care enough to sit there and watch you all fucking night to make sure you won't do something psychotic. I'd do anything for you, really. But you not telling me things, and pulling away from me/my touch, things like that, really bother me. Because then I just withdraw and keep things inside because you're backing away from me. You're going to have to learn to be open with me again, if you want things to work with us. And I'm going to have to learn to not be so afraid of your words and actions. I still brace myself for things, when we have talks, or you post serious blogs. I did it way back then, too, and I did it so much then that I think it's stuck with me. I need to stop doing that, too.
We have a lot of learning to do, and a lot of things to talk about and work on. But we can do it. Just find the time, have patience, etc.
You will be okay.
I will be okay.
We will be okay.
I love you, Jeremy.
ps; thank you for finally posting this. you can't even imagine the weight that was lifted off my shoulders when i read it.
