trois mots simplès.

I miss you too.
A lot.
-sigh-

I'm not quite sure what to do, either.
You said to let things flow, but I don't think you want to wait so long...
Or maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know.

So I guess you have impulses.
So do I.
It's pretty hard sometimes, cause I always just want to blurt something out.
Usually I just want to tell you I love you, or hug you, or something.
But.....idk.
I guess I get scared you'll be all AHHICANTTAKETHATRIGHTNOW or something.
So it's damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Yeah.
I remember.
But I'm more used to this than I was that.
Hmm...
-sigh-

You want back in.
I'd love to say just come back to me.
But it's not that simple.
And I hate it.
So much.
ughitsnotfair.
Can't one thing be fucking simple around here?

Why don't we just see how things go over the next couple days or something.
-shrug-
idontknow.
It's really hard to say that when all I want to do right now is curl up with you and rub your tummy and tell you I love you and everything's going to be okay.
adlgkjsfilgbfsji;ljb;silbjiwr]tjsiklg.

Don't go anywhere, please.
You may just kill us both.
D:

What is one to do...

enkai gairo.

kjghsruvsrgjns.
...idk.
Just felt like doing that.

So I think we established that the beach was amazing.
It really did clear my head, calm my mind.
But it never stopped me from thinking about you.

I felt weird while I was gone.
I know me being away wasn't a big deal, cause it's not like we really see each other on weekends.
But I still got this weird feeling, being away from you; I really missed you.
Usually the beach makes me think a lot.
So I guess that's part of it, even if it did clear my head.

ldkgh;slf.
imissyou.
comelaydownwithme.

loveyou<3




ps;
do you realize i've posted 146 of these things to you?
o___o

l'amour triomphe de tout.

Jeremy....
-sigh-
Where to start...

We have been through a lot. I've been through more with you than anyone else I know. And I know we can't seem to get things to work the way I think we'd both like them to, but it's okay. I understand, you understand. And I think as long as we're on the same level, it's okay. We'll be okay. And we're definitely on the same level. Everything you said...is what I've tried to say for ages now. I never could get it out, though. Find the right words, the proper way to say them. I've felt it for a while. Seen it in you...your eyes are a dead giveaway. At least, to me. I don't think anyone else can see it. We have a connection no one else is going to understand. I get the same things you get. Your touch, your voice, when you look at me...I get this rush of something every time. It never fails. I feel like I'm actually alive. Like I'm flying. There's something about your presence that helps me. Calms me. Saves me. I don't care if you've hurt me. I mean, I guess I do to a point. But it's not what matters now. I've learned things from you, from our experiences, good or bad. And I'm thankful for that. I know I've hurt you, too. We're going to hurt each other. That's part of love. But I'm sure you've realized that. It's something we're going to have to accept. And yes, I'm not going to deny. I do need you, in multiple ways. You know me...very well. Better, I believe, than anyone. You've gotten deeper inside me, my mind, my heart....than anyone ever has. I wonder sometimes what I would do if I lost you and knew I couldn't get you back. Life is pretty empty without you around. I think you know that feeling. I'm thankful I have you. Even if we do get adklghald sometimes, and get on each other's nerves and have a million other things going on in our minds/lives. That's life. That's us. We know each other. We understand. And I'm glad you're here. I'm always gonna be here for you, too. No matter what.

I love you. And I care about you. More than anything or anyone in the world.
I don't know where we're going with this. You know what I say. Whatever happens happens. We go in circles so much, something's almost expected to happen. But...I don't know what to do, what to tell you. I think we both know what we want. We just can't have it. Which...well. Really fucking sucks. Just sayin'. You say I can't do it...but I don't think you can either [even though you didn't say anything about yourself.]
I would give anything to make this work, you know.

"La vie est vide de sens sans vous."

I'm always going to be your Bella.
You're always going to be my Edward.

I guess we'll see what happens from here. At least you know where I stand. We're on the same level. In the same boat. Whatever. Don't be afraid or hesitate to tell me anything. And I'll work on telling you things. Lets keep what we have now in good shape, yeah? (:

That didn't kill me. It helped me. I finally know what's been on your mind that I could never properly read when I saw you. I know you've been holding this back a while. =/ I'm okay though. Honestly...more okay than I was before I read it. Thank you. (:

I love you.

imsorry.

I don't know what to say.
I've felt things lately...
Seen them in you....
I don't know.

What is one to do?
Tell me.
I don't know.

I love you.
I do.
So much.
It's insane.
What am I supposed to do about it?
Hmm?

You know perfectly well you cannot just tell me HEY DON'T READ THIS PART while you're all sorts of alkdvnakibharlibj because of music and memories and thoughts and shit, and expect me to listen to you.
Just write the damn thing, before you explode.
If you'd read my blog instead of losing them, you might know what I said like, three days ago.

I don't know how to handle this.
There's too much.
....
I feel like pushing Peter away.
I think I made that clear earlier.
I just can't handle everything right now.
I've got way too many people all over me.
And omg.
....

I'm not pushing you away.
That's the last thing I want to do.
...
I....don't know what's on your mind in terms of me but I've got a good damn idea.
And I can't do this again.
Unless you're absolutely certain of yourself.
Fat chance there.
-sigh-

This is why I asked if you had my blog, and read it the other day.
I wrote this......three days ago?
"I, for once, don't have much to say. I'm okay with you, and where we stand. I know what's okay and what's not. We both seem to be doing well. I'm glad. Please tell me if you think otherwise, though. If you've got something to say, say it. Please."

I really wish you'd tell me when things are on your mind.
Which is another reason why I don't want you to keep whatever it is from me in that blog.

iloveyou.

imsorryimlikethis.

What is one to do........

uhm.

We seem to be moving on.
Like, both of us.
Guess that's a good thing.

Though you do seem far more bothered with things pertaining to me than I do with you.
Don't really get that.
But.
Okay.
-shrug-

Hmm.
idk.
This was pointless.
Just felt like saying that.

Still don't get how I'm acting weird.
Unless you count be being so bothered by Kevin.
But.
Whatever.
What is one to do?
And you know my luck.
...
I'm shutting up.

Anyway.
...
idk.
Whatever.

ghdgdg.

I sort of wonder how you're doing.
But I'm not saying a word.
Sorry.
Not until you do [and I see that you're okay/not going to rip my head off].

idceither.

I'm backing off for a few days.
Giving you space.
Because you're being nonsensical.
So...
Whatever.

I don't care...

sick.

I wish you'd make up your fucking mind.

You're driving me crazy.
Guess we're even now.

Now stop contradicting yourself.






Yes, I am a little irate.

dgkjaeg.

I don't get it.
You say you don't know or understand why you're lakdga at me right now.
But your blog says you do.

Make up your mind.

I really wish you'd get over whatever it is.
Because it's driving me nuts.
Seriously.
>_< -epicsigh-

Okay.
I understand that it's hard for you to deal with your "love" for me sometimes.
But seriously.
Snapping at me/lashing out at me is not the way to fix that.

That argument we just had?
Reminded me of the last days we had when we were together.
That was not a pretty memory.
Well, memories.
Or images.
Or anything.

If you want to distance yourself from me, I understand.
I'm sure I'll care in the morning, but right now...
I don't really give a fuck.

You really pissed me off.
First time in forever.
-sigh-

I...don't know what to do with you sometimes.

I just hope tomorrow I'll be okay with sleep and health, and you'll not be so fucking annoyed at me.
Since we started talking again, I haven't felt any fear or anything in your "shut up", or snappiness, or whatever.
I usually try to calm you down, or just shrug it off.
And it works.
But this time it scared me.

I'm not leaving just because.
I'll only leave if you want me to.
Or if you push me away.
Kay?

As for the cd, I was really excited about it.
Still am, but what can I do?
So.
...
I don't know.
I think it's the OCD to a point, in the sense that you continue to edit and mix and stuff.
But I also think a part of you doesn't want to give up your music.
Like, yeah a person here or there hears a song every once in a while.
But you're handing over a pile of it.
And you're probably all akdghdkla!!! about that.
But.
It might make sense when I say that maybe I'm one of the best people to give your music to.
...
But whatever you think/want.
I just hope it doesn't take another ten months.
I asked for a cd in like, November.
Remember?

....
I guess I'm done.
-sigh-
I hope, hope, HOPE things will be okay tomorrow.

<3

i am.....

Currently listening to ampm.
And it's making me all ~~~ in the stomach.
I love it.
So much.

I really want that cd.
Hurry up!!!
I'm too excited.

I haven't been this excited about anything for ages.
(:

thisiswhathappens....

when it's after midnight and i'm exhausted and space out.

dear god.
after midnight?
....
what's with all the fucking ampm references in my life now?
ugh.

anyway.
i decided to go back and look at some of the notes i wrote to you.
going all the way back to last year.
apparently i started this thing in november or something?
idk.

anyway.
i read something.
and remembered the.....second or third? time you were over here.
when you kissed me the first time.
...i definitely just got chills.
(:

i don't really know why i'm telling you this.
just felt like saying it.
and it wouldn't really mean anything to anyone but you.
so...yeah.

hmm...
(:

itspastmidnight...

I'm so tired.
x__x
I don't know how or why I'm still up.

Anyway...
You seem to not be so akldghlad about us still spending time together and junk.
But then again, maybe I'm just too tired to notice it.
Just take it one day at a time, yeah?

You did look like you were about to cry in the meeting hall today.
What was that about?
o_O
I thought maybe it was the song...
Cause you said you were listening to it and whatnot.
So.
.....
-sigh-

I'm excited about the cd.
I still really want to know the lyrics of Bella.
But I may as well give up.
If I keep bothering you about them, who knows what'll happen.
You'll probably kick me.
xD
Anyway...
Hurry up with this thing, yeah?
I wanna hear some stuff.
(:

And I know I had a bunch of other stuff to say.
But I'm so tired I can't fucking think.
I get a thought, and like, ten seconds later it's gone.
D:

I have this idea to work on fractal junk and somehow work it into AMPM.
....
o_O
Yeah, I don't know how that would work.
Just a thought, I suppose.

That floor thing was weird earlier.
Just sayin'.

Ugh.
Sleep.
Now.

<3

I can't figure it out.

What's the "look at me. i love you" thing?
I don't get it.

The only thing I can think of is Gone with the Wind.
xD

<3

. . .

I knew it.
I mean.
I did say we were getting distant.
And all that other crap.

I saw the distance.
I felt it.
There's no point in you holding off on telling me things, because I always sense something.
You should know that.
And seriously.
Suspense kills me.
I've waited so long for you to tell me how we were going to work the relationship out.
You never did.
So I figured there wasn't anything to that after a while.
And then when you went all akdhglkdjgiorhg and junk.
Distance, reactions, things you said, things you did, this, that....
I knew it wouldn't work out.

....
Idk.


I'm not mad at you.
Not upset.
Nothing.
I'm okay.
I told you I would be.
I told everyone else too, that if something happened like this, I'd be fine.
I only wish you'd just said it earlier, instead of putting it off.
I don't think you can break me anymore.
It's hard to explain.
But it makes sense to me.
-sigh-

You said you hurt me.
And yes, you did.
Like, you know....
The past crap.
But I'm over it.
I wish you'd get over it.
You broke me, you put me back together.
A little differently, but uhh, I like it.
err...
>___>
Anyway, you haven't hurt me this time, except by being so damn weird with me this last week or so.
And that hasn't really hurt me, just weirded me out.
So.....
You know.

Anyway.
Whatever.
Life....
xD

akldg;aldg.
Either way.
I love you.
That's never going to change.
(:

I wanna know what you're giving me tomorrow.
I have a hunch.
o_O

-coughistillwanttoknowaboutthedreamcough-
You know, there is such thing as elaboration.
xDDDDD

<33

blocked off.

I'm getting better. At least, I think I am. I seem to have more strength lately. Or maybe that's just cause Kat's around a lot the last couple days. She's a pillar of strength, believe it or not.

I don't think you're getting better. Which scares me. And it seems to me you can't even talk to me anymore. If you need space, sure. That's fine. I just.....I don't know.

It's like you have things to say to me. But you can't say them. And I know you do that sometimes, but not this much. And I wish you'd just say them. Or maybe you don't have anything to say. I can't tell what's going through your mind right now. Like you have some sort of shield up. It's odd.

I also feel like you're trying to ask for help, but you can't. And I don't know what to do. And I wish I did. I wish I could make everything perfect. Make your mind calm, okay.

I'm not going anywhere.
So if you need me, I'll be there.
I promise.

I love you<3

ego sum iens admitto.

ego sum vix.

vobis.
mihi.
nobis.



you figure that out.
if it's worth it.

sldihrjbgeh.

Write.



Write, write, write.



I love you.
Hang in there.
Please.
<3

pavidus.

I think I'm losing you.




...I don't know what else to say.
D:

<3




[Seven hours later]

Maybe I'm not losing you.
...I don't know.
I think you want to tell me what's wrong, and can't.
I really wish I knew.
It scares me.
It worries me.
I know it does both to you, too.

You're so quiet.
It's like you can't talk to me.
Maybe you're like that with everyone.
I don't know.
Everything's so different.
Maybe it's just me, since I've been so out of it this week.
But it'd make perfect sense for us to fall apart in the middle of all of this.
I mean, you know.
Look how things have been.
Everyday something else happens.

I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
I want to help you.
I don't know how.
You won't talk to me.
I don't want you to burst.
I'm terrified I'm going to get another text or a call at like, 3am, asking me to save you.
I don't want that again.
I want you to be okay.
I want to do anything that would make you better.
No matter what it is.
You look so upset and stressed out lately, especially today, I just wanted to grab you and hug you and tell you everything was okay.
But I was afraid to.
Afraid you'd flip out or something.
=/

I can't stand it when you're in situations like this.
When you feel like this.
Have so much on your mind.
It kills me, too.

I love you.
Be okay.
Please.
<3

longinquus?

I feel distance.
I don't know why.
Like, I just feel like you're distancing yourself from me a bit.
You don't say as much.
I just don't want it to be because of something I did or whatever.

I'm not saying we have to be attached all the time, and blahblah.
It just worries me.
Because I know you have a lot on your mind.
You're not usually that quiet about it now.
But you are this time.
And I feel weird.
-shrug-
Maybe it's cause you know I have a lot in my head right now, and you don't want to pressure me anymore?
If that's the case, I'd rather you tell me anyway.
>___>

I just want you to be okay.
I love you dearly.
And I'm always here.
<3

x__x

I don't keep track of these half the time.
-__-
It's weird not writing to you, though.

I don't really know what to say.
Everything I've had on my mind you already know.
So...you know.

I do want to thank you for putting up with me and my weird, sick self.
I know I get spacey and stupid when I'm sick.
It's the medication and my lack of oxygen.
=/

You did cheer me up a bit today, though.
You always cheer me up, when you're around.
(:

And here's hoping I don't have anything more serious than a cold.
I tried coming home and sleeping, and I kept waking up.
It hurts to breathe.
Like, my chest still hurts.
And I'm coughing more.
So I hope I don't have like, strep or mild bronchitis or something.
Blegh.

Come save me.
I keep having crying spells.
D:
At least you know how bad I feel now.
-sigh-

Thank you for the meds.
Thank you for being there.
Thank you for....being you.
(:

I love you<3