the monster.

The monster is killing you. It terrifies me, and you know that. I know it scares you, to a point. You're ruining your life, you're falling apart.
I'm just glad you realize that. Most people wouldn't.

I just read your blog, and you asked "who the fuck was that on your bed". No, it wasn't you. It was your monster you created. Something that I never thought you could create. Something that needs to be destroyed. It's not meant to be here, love.

When you called me that night to come get you, I knew in your voice there was something more wrong than usual. When I approached you at the station, you were standing there like a zombie. I'm not even sure you were aware of your surroundings. You couldn't talk right when you got in my car. Everything was jumbled up in your head and that's how it was coming out. Random thoughts, trying to explain to me what happened, telling me that you needed me and that you just wanted me to take you home so you could sleep. So I did. Except you never slept. You somehow made your way to my room without falling, and got comfortable and fell into my bed. You were here an hour, and the entire time, your thoughts were back and forth. You were explaining all that happened to me, and you were explaining how you felt, and there would be random thoughts and a moment where the real you would surface and you'd say something about the past, something you were aware of. Mostly the "bigger bed" thing. You kept saying things about how you couldn't remember anything, and you felt horrible, and that you needed sleep and all this crazy shit. You curled up, tried to sleep, but your monster was so alive that you couldn't. So we just laid there on the bed, curled up, me terrified and you....well, at the time I didn't know what. There were moments where I thought you were starting to recover, but after a few of those moments fading away quickly I knew you weren't. Even after eating and drinking a little bit you were still out of it. Your eyes were rolling around in your head. Your breathing was off; one minute it would be fine, then it would get really fast, then really slow. You were shivering, but sweating. You kept curling up into me and putting your head on my shoulder like you were just going to cry. There were moments where you wouldn't move at all, and I thought your heart was slowing and you were dying. You looked like someone who was going through some major withdrawals from a hardcore drug. It was like the heroin diaries all over again, except this was only alcohol, pot, and clonopin. Then you showed me the cuts, and I thought I was going to die. Your leg, your wrist, your hand. Then I knew what was going on. I knew you were trying to get out of all this. Escape. But you can't escape. You have to face it. And what really threw me off is that you wouldn't let me go. So I just laid there beside you, wondering what the outcome of all this would be. Occasionally you'd grab my hand, or roll over into me, and I'd just wrap my arms around you, because that was the only thing I could do, all while trying to hold back tears from fear. Because the last thing I wanted was for you to see that you were scaring me.

And then I was in the bathroom with you trying to hide your cuts from your parents after your mother called pissed off. And then I took you back to your car. And I should have NEVER let you go. I should have told her you were sick or something. I don't know. But I should have never let you go. That was my fault there. Because in doing that, something could have happened to you, and I would have never forgiven myself. I know you said that it won't happen again, but when you're fucked up, anything can happen. I'm not doubting you, I'm just scared. I don't want to see you like that again. But I will save you again if I have to. I'm not going to leave you like that.

I don't know what held me together that night, and I don't know how the hell you survived. But I'm glad you did, because I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you. I'm still not sure.

I just hope that you get yourself together, sooner than later. Because you have potential, and you know that. And I'm going to be by your side, you know. I will help you get yourself together. I'm not going to ditch you. Ever.

There's something I want you to clear up. You said "I called a girl that saved me once..."
This was the second time I saved you? What was the first? Because I'm unaware. D:

I love you, Jeremiah Havoc.
Be careful.
I'll be here.

as a sidenote...

tumblr post/random thoughts this morning.

uhhh.

thank you for the other night.

you know, our talk on the phone.

that's had me laughing for days.

(:

i think thursday or friday would be good.

i have class till 12:15 friday, and i usually hang out with ryan and adam for a few, so i'll be in town.

take your pick.

i drove home last night in the dark.

lights coming at me from every direction.

i was already exhausted.

it was...well, frightening, the way it made my head feel.

so i definitely won't be driving at night.

if we go out past dark, you'll have to drive.

=/

you can drive my car if you want.

i miss the river.

i haven't been there in nearly two months.

i'd like to go there, but i know it will probably be cold.

i just can't go alone.

sigh.

i miss my life.

the only time i hang out now is at school, an occasional adventure between classes with katie, and and with you, which isn't often.

i don't even see angel anymore; our schedules always conflict.

ihatemylife.

oh, and what do you want for christmas?

i know we ask each other this every year, and then we never get around to it.

but....ehh, i want to get you something.

i guess i'm going to go wallow in my own misery until it's time to take my grandfather to the doctor.

...i almost said the vet.

my god.

see how discombobulated my head is?!

sigh.

<3

ps; how does one function for the rest of her life when she's already half deaf and she's losing her eyesight too?

-____-

i can't see a damn thing anymore.

crazy women are after you again and this time i'm not involved. xD

So....

Amy's back too?

WTF?

That girl pisses me off like no other.

D:<

I can understand Chelsea.

She's just....Chelsea.

Total nutcase, but it works for her.

And Victoria?

Why do you even bother letting her come back, and giving her the time of day?

You know the same thing's going to happen.

It always does.

She knows it too.

It'll work out for a while, everything will be chill.

Then she'll go psychobitch on you and you'll be all AHHH*flails* and kick her out.

In the meantime, I'll be flailing and wondering exactly WHAT THE HELL you're thinking.

*facepalm*

I mean, it is your life.

And I'm not going to tell you how to live it.

Buuuuuut.

Really.

UGH.

D:<

I should REALLY beat you up now for all this.

Along with the fact that it seems nearly impossible to get ahold of you/hang out with you.

*flails again*

Oh well.

It's okay.

I still love you.

I'm probably going to DeJarnettes this weekend, by the way.

But I'm sure you won't read this for another month or so, since you can't seem to keep the links to all my pages.

xD

Silly boy.

(:

"I am torn between three hearts and a mind."

Say what?

And you ran over A BLACK CAT?!

O__O

Nice going.

>__>

it's funny.

when i used to read your blog, and you'd mention you have a new love interest, i'd feel this part of my stomach flip, and i'd feel all upset.

even though it wasn't as strong as it could have been.

but i just read the part of your blog about kendra, and it didn't bother me at all.

first time in two years.

can we say accomplishment?

which is REALLY odd.

because linzee and i were talking about a week ago, and she goes "if jeremy came to you right now and asked to get back together, what would your response be?"

and i go "i don't think i'd do it. even if it was him coming to me, i don't think so."

but then she's all "you don't THINK. which means you're not 100% sure, and there's that slight possibility that you'd let him come back."

and that popped in my head yesterday.

and i realized that i wouldn't.

and i was 100% sure i wouldn't let you come back.

i think that's good for both of us.

but.

as far as i alone go, i don't really know.

because i have a feeling i just put myself in a deeper hole than i already was.

[long story]

by the way, i'm still going to beat you up for not getting ahold of me.

D:<

revecca kept asking if you'd called back.

she was excited. D:

i miss you.

we need to chill.

soon.

(:

the message.

Well, that wasn't the message I was expecting.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting.

>__>

I guess we'd just need to sit down and talk things out, like you said.

Because there's a difference between the Paganism books and the Spirit Medicine book.

And I'm not exactly Pagan, but more spiritual in the Native American sense.

Unless you mean we help each other on our spiritual journeys, whether it's the same path or not.

....

Anyway.

Let's hang out soon.

Give me your schedule or something, and let's try to find a day to go to the river and discuss things.

I think that's what I need, after this week.

I know you haven't seen my blogs since you're locked out of your account, but I think you've got a general idea of what I've been through.

Ugh.

Oh, and why wouldn't this be grand?

o_O

ps; Professor Schmidt is NUTS.

I'm staying in his class simply because it's hilarious to listen to him.

Ryan, Alex, and I all giggled our way through the class.

Err.

i miss you.

come save me.

today's been horrible. D:

a rush of blood to the head.

Yes, I'm running out of titles.

Yes, that's a Coldplay song.

xD

Anyway...

I really hate when I'm at Angel's and we have conversations.

Like, I love talking to you.

But just being at Angel's makes me awkward, cause I like being in my own space when we talk.

It helps me think easier.

Relaxes me.

You know what I mean.

Plus the internet's stupid here.

Anyway.

So I meant what I said earlier about being curious about the blog or whatever.

And whatever you do, it's your choice.

I'm not going to force you to write it, especially while you're feeling all adklghadgatsryg.

But it was definitely depressing when I got home from KD and didn't see a blog.

Not gonna lie.

I was waiting for it since the moment you mentioned it.

Guess that's a sign I shouldn't get my hopes up. xD

Sounds stupid, I know.

I just really enjoy what you have to say about things, and especially if it's directed towards me.

I still don't know what to think.

It's kind of making me scream on the inside.

But I don't think it's all too bad, cause you seem okay with me.

Oh well.

I'm thinking too much again.

Mind's on overload.

I really love how I say I never post on here cause I don't need to write notes to you anymore, and I've been posting shit.

Thanks a lot xD

Feel better soon, dammit!

(:

<3

ksfnglksjsg.

Tell me how the hell I'm awake at 7:45 after staying up half the night watching movies and flopping around trying to sleep the other half of the night.

This is going to be one hell of a day.

I couldn't really stop thinking about what you said last night.

About your blog tonight being a message to you.

I mean, I don't really expect a novel or anything.

Or anything earthshaking.

But my curiosity's got the best of me this time.

I have no idea whether to be worried or not.

I don't know if it's good or bad.

I just don't know.

I guess I should try to push it to the back of my mind for the day, seeing as every time the thought pops up, my stomach starts flipping and whatever.

Ugh. -__-

As for your message about your spiritual journey...

I really hope we can guide each other.

As long as we do that, I think things for us will be okay and we'll have a better understanding of each other in the spiritual sense/world.

Not that we don't understand each other already, but whatever.

Uhh.

Idk.

(:

blahblahblah.

It's funny how we'll hang out, or talk a lot one day, then get really quiet for a while.

Then end up hanging out again.

We're so weird.

I really have nothing to say.

I just figured I'd give you something to read, since you complain about me not updating xD

To be honest, I don't even think about this thing anymore.

It was more or less my place to confront you, and I don't really need to do that anymore.

I don't see why we would need to confront each other about anything.

I don't think we're involved in each other's lives enough now to bitch about stuff.

Even though we're always involved. 

....

God why are we so complicated? xD

Tonight was....amazing?

Or something close to it.

I had a lot of fun.

Thank you for introducing me to Tara Thai.

It was really good.

And I'm glad I got to share my river spot with you.

And our conversation was lovely.

You understand. You listen. I can breathe when I talk to you, instead of worrying about what you're thinking or whatever.

(:

It's backwards, yeah yeah, I know.

Haah.

We need to get together one day soon and smoke.

Just us.

We need to hang out more, I think.

But not too much, or we'll end up killing each other again xD

I'll find you some of that wicca/paganism stuff, if you want.

And whatever else you might want.

Just let me know.

Oh, hey.

Next time I come over, can you not forget about calling me in?

Silly.

(:

LIFE.

oh hey.

no more suffocation to look at anymore.

(:

things are different.

we're different.

yet we're still the same.

i like where we are now.

everything's easy for me.

and you're still around.

i enjoy our talks, and the last couple times we've hung out have been a nice change.

i'm glad we're not ripping each other's throats out anymore.

(:

suffocation.

In case you don't read my regular blog anymore. I think you've only been on it twice since we split.
Anyway.

Tonight was incredibly awkward. I have never reacted like I did to someone that I pushed away from me. Ever. It was completely unexpected, and part of my acting weird was 1. I've never had that reaction before and 2. I was more adljgkhalckjad than I let on.
Or maybe you could see it.
Good damn thing you didn't have to experience it. I thought I wasn't even going to be able to hold the bowling ball. Or stand. Legs turned to jelly.
I think it was because Matze was there.
Or not. I'm not sure.
Either way...
It happened.

I know you were trying to be civil. I would have talked had I not reacted like I did, and my mind was still. It was the total opposite. Going faster than ever. I wasn't even sure if it was safe to open my mouth. I thought I was going to puke.
I'm sorry I was so aldkgh with you. It's just...so much better to not say anything at all. I realize you and Angel are friends. I won't stop that, and I won't cause any crap between you two. You are welcome to hang around when she's around. It's just hard. My idea of being civil to you is to not say anything at all unless you need something [the phone calls from last week or whenever].
I wasn't sure if anything would come out of my mouth if I opened it. If I would scream or what.

My life...
Is so much easier. So much better. I'm so much lighter.
Without you.

If you desperately need something, you're safe.
Otherwise...
I cannot see you. Talk to you. Hear you. Acknowledge you.
It doesn't hurt. It just makes me sick.
I'm only safe with your blog. That's all I can deal with in regards to you. Because it's my own will, my own time, that I read it. And I don't have you standing there watching me and attempting to understand why I'm reacting a certain way.
Among other things.

On a sidenote, Matze is really sweet. You seem happy. He does too.
It's been a while since I've seen you happy with someone.
Hmm.
I'm not sure if you deserve him or not.
I barely know him.
But still.
He's not who I expected him to be. At all.
Nice catch. Good luck keeping it.

That's all I have to say.
I promise I won't kill you if you pop up one day. It's just...
simply by you being there, I feel the suffocation.
So.
That's that.

[and of course i found a song you might like. electronic poet. the japanese popstars.
dear god. it never ends.]

over.

Good luck.

I'm glad you feel that way about us.

I'm done.

zlksfjbkl.

You seem to be contemplating what to do about Victoria, or something.

Like you're debating between us. And well.....

I think you want to give up on me. Entirely.

All I'm saying is...

Do whatever makes you happy.

I will survive.

new years resolution?

So apparently new years resolutions don't quite work for you.

So much for blogging everyday, yeah?

Haha.

(:

i just remembered this.

A couple of days ago, Kat and I were talking about our relationships and stuff, and she said something like this:

"I love J to death, because you're happy with him, even through all the fights and differences."

I don't know if that's word for word what she said, but it was something like that.

Either way, it's very true.

I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Kind of fitting as far as the last note goes, but whatever.

I just read your 2009 blog.

And uhm...

I knew I was right; I always have, and always will love you more than you ever have or will love me.

We're either going to end up being everything or nothing.

That's all I have to say about that right now.

i'm not really sure...

what triggered this.

But the "annoyance list" popped in my head.

And I think I've realized that a lot of stuff you do doesn't really annoy me because I adapt to it really quickly.

So I'm not putting up with it, but at the same time I am.

It just doesn't bother me, so I don't react to it or get really upset with you and call you out on it or anything.

I think Ryan's what triggered it. Just you telling me he kept popping up in your head last night. And like...

I know you don't like any of my friends, and I'm okay with that but not at the same time. If I was to list something that annoyed me, it'd be the friends thing. It's just really odd how I get on well with your friends, and you can't stand mine. But then the idea of you and Ryan getting along and talking comes up...

Iuno.

I guess it'd be a nice change, having you actually like one of my friends.

But I'm not asking you to accept them.

And it's not something that really annoys or bothers me enough to make me all adlkgjdal about it. So.

I'm pretty much okay with whatever you do.

As ridiculous as that may sound.

Or not. I guess we'll see.

And maybe this helped some, and maybe it just made it worse.

I'd assume the latter, since I always seem to do stuff to make situations worse.

But I'm ridiculous, so it's in my nature to destroy everything. 

Meh, whatev.

On a better note, I really enjoyed last night, minus the cold.

And I've been craving raspberry milk all morning.

Thanks a lot. xD

<3