sei.

I was gonna write a reply to you last night.
But I was slightly distracted, and couldn't really come up with anything to say.

Your blog, and what you said last night...
Was totally off the wall.
And at the same time, I knew it was coming.
I could see it in you yesterday, at the mall.
And again last night when we met.
I could even sort of feel it.
It doesn't bother me.
It's like....normal, for us.
Yeah, I figured us being stuck together alone would be a little awkward for you, cause if you think about it, it should be.
And it is for me in a sense, but not really.
Most everything that I should freak out about, or be uncomfortable with is totally normal to me now.
At least, between us.
I don't know if that's good or bad.
But I think maybe it's good.
You know, so we don't freak out and panic over things, and beat each other up or something.

I went to bed thinking about what happened and what was said yesterday.
Not to say anything actually happened, but you know, you being tired and running to me and whatnot.
But I passed out really fast.
I was exhausted.
-__-
So, thankfully, that didn't keep me up all night.
But my first thought this morning was part of your blog, and the last thing you said to me on aim last night.
And of course, I've wondered since I've been awake, if you're okay.
You know, in the sleep sense.
Because I know, especially after saying what you did in your blog, that you're not really okay.
Which is normal, I guess.
I'm used to you being a mess.
But I'm a mess too.
So you know....
-__-

I guess it makes sense now.
Why you wouldn't come over to rest.
Or why you wouldn't let me come get you.
Or whatever else.
And yes, I know you don't like what's going through your mind.
And I'll be honest.
I can't deny I have the same thoughts.
I think that's just something that's normal for us too.
And we'll just have to get used to it.
You know, just like how we get into each other's minds so easily.
I think that's why things are unusually normal with us.
Because we like, sense it off each other or something.
And if we get the same thing, we're balanced.
I don't know.
Doesn't really make much sense.

Just so you know.
It's not going to break me.
This did come on sooner than I expected, this time.
But I did expect it.
Because it always happens.
I could sort of see it that day at ON, when we were talking for the first time in.....6 weeks?
...yeah.

And I knew, even with Traci on your mind, that wouldn't completely save you from other thoughts.
And I know not to get attached.
All that stuff.
...
I think maybe you should stop and think about that.
You know, you being attached.
Because I think you're closer to me than you'll allow yourself to believe.

What'd you start to say last night?
"everyone's oblivious to me, and my....
I'm just going to shut up."
Because the blog didn't really give off anything that'd relate to that.
Unless I'm reading into it wrong.
...
You know you can't start something, and then run off and not finish it.
And whatever you say is obviously not going to make me run.
You know that.
So I don't know what you're afraid of.

And you can't sleep because of me.
Because I'm back in your life?
Or because of thoughts?
Or something else entirely.
I think we need to like, take a moment when neither of us are distracted, and you're rested, and whatever else, and talk.
Because if this is happening already, and you won't tell me things [and you know you can, not because I let you talk to me, but because I know you're able to talk to me like that], this will end up a disaster.
And J, I don't want this to go to hell again.
There's a reason we keep coming back to each other.
God, fate, ourselves, weakness?
I don't know.

I don't know what else to say.
Except we just need to talk.
And you know that.
And I think we should just stick by our famous line.
Whatever happens happens.
....
Yeah.
You know it makes sense, even if it is a bit kdlaghlkad.
-__-

Hmm......

lalala...

I've lost track of what number this is.
I don't really care anyway.


...
I don't get why you don't hate me for all these notes.
Seriously, if someone wrote all these things about me, I'd probably punch them.
You confuse me.
Bahaha, what's new there, though?
xD



I need help.
xD

i wonder if...

i say that a lot.
hmm.

anyway...
i kind of care, and kind of not.
you know how that is.
but uhh, the moving, and mom losing her job and all...
i do care; always will, to a point.
just hold your head up.
you'll be okay.

there's something i sort of want to ask you, but at the same time, i know it'd be pointless.
even though i've heard it's possibly otherwise.
i make no sense, i know.
but whatever, i'm sure you understand what i say still.

i've been thinking a lot about you.
i'm not sure why.
well, i sort of have an idea.
but i'm not going into that.
i'm not coming back or anything.
just sayin'.

i have a way to help you, if things get too adgklhadlg for you.
but i don't think you'll do it.
and i'm not coming to you about it.
so you work that out however you feel is necessary.

and now that i've said a few good things here...
i'll have to balance it out with the bad...
in saying thanks for fucking me up.

there are so many things i say and do, or am afraid of now, etc, that are brought on because of our failing relationships.
you know how amy made you a total wreck?
and you didn't want to do the same things she did, but did anyway?
and you did them to me...
and now i react to things the same way you used to.
the attachment.
the fear.
the whatever.
things i say.
things i do.
etc.
you really did some damage.
but hey, at least i've got someone who's working with me on that now.
does the total opposite of everything i expect him to do.
kinda wonderful.
(:

anyway.
pointless note.
you probably wont read this.
i still read your blog.
that's how i know about the family and all.
but you know.
*shrug*

if you figure out my suggestion, come talk to me.
i'll help you with that.
and only that.

....
and can i have my books back?
D:<

Hmm...

Figured this was closed.
But hey, I had something to tell you.

Remember in January you told me not to get attached?
Yeah.
You were right.
I shouldn't.
And I wish I'd listened to you.

Mary said we needed time apart.
Since when do best friends need time apart?
Wtf, right?
Ugh.
So yeah.
And Jay's lost her mind.
And other people...
Yeah.

I'm losing people due to immaturity.
Theirs, not mine.
I can't handle it.
.....

Why am I ranting to you?
....

Anyway.
Just sayin', you were right.
So uhh...
Thanks?
Not real sure what to say.