i wonder if...

i say that a lot.
hmm.

anyway...
i kind of care, and kind of not.
you know how that is.
but uhh, the moving, and mom losing her job and all...
i do care; always will, to a point.
just hold your head up.
you'll be okay.

there's something i sort of want to ask you, but at the same time, i know it'd be pointless.
even though i've heard it's possibly otherwise.
i make no sense, i know.
but whatever, i'm sure you understand what i say still.

i've been thinking a lot about you.
i'm not sure why.
well, i sort of have an idea.
but i'm not going into that.
i'm not coming back or anything.
just sayin'.

i have a way to help you, if things get too adgklhadlg for you.
but i don't think you'll do it.
and i'm not coming to you about it.
so you work that out however you feel is necessary.

and now that i've said a few good things here...
i'll have to balance it out with the bad...
in saying thanks for fucking me up.

there are so many things i say and do, or am afraid of now, etc, that are brought on because of our failing relationships.
you know how amy made you a total wreck?
and you didn't want to do the same things she did, but did anyway?
and you did them to me...
and now i react to things the same way you used to.
the attachment.
the fear.
the whatever.
things i say.
things i do.
etc.
you really did some damage.
but hey, at least i've got someone who's working with me on that now.
does the total opposite of everything i expect him to do.
kinda wonderful.
(:

anyway.
pointless note.
you probably wont read this.
i still read your blog.
that's how i know about the family and all.
but you know.
*shrug*

if you figure out my suggestion, come talk to me.
i'll help you with that.
and only that.

....
and can i have my books back?
D:<