Untitled o4.

"You should let go and make yourself empty and quiet, clear and calm."


Start believing that.
Cause that's what you need to do.
You're falling apart, and you can't let that happen.
Not again.


I don't know what to say.
I just want you to be okay.
I want to help you.
But you need to talk to me.
Stop bottling things up.
Please.
You exploded on me earlier and that isn't happening again.
=[
Talk to me.
You're gonna go and do something drastic and ridiculous if you don't let it out.
Honestly.
I know.


Please be okay, Jeremy.
Get yourself together.
Take some time to think.
Figure things out.
As always.
I know I say that all the time.
But you need to.


You might not believe it.
But you will be okay.
It'll just take time.
Just like me.
=/


I'll always be here.
No matter what.
Cause I love you.


Bella.


ps;
If I'm the one that's breaking you...
Let me go.
I want you to be happy and alright again, even if that means losing each other.
-sigh-

Untitled o3.

It's 7:53 in the fucking morning.
I've been up for....20 minutes?
Or so.
Yeah.
I've had a few thoughts about last night.



I thought back to when you said you were a mess.
Well.
Maybe, if you didn't keep it all hidden so damn well, you might be okay.
I know that's how I was.
And you remind me of myself my senior year of school.
But honestly.
Maybe if you'd open up, get it out, etc, you wouldn't be such a fucking wreck.
I don't know how bad it is, because you won't tell me anything, so...
Yeah.



Don't worry about what other people think.
Just let it go.
It'll make things better.
I think you keep it hidden because of the peer pressure of everyone liking you.
"Being famous."
Or whatever that crap is.
Fuck it, d00d.
Just be yourself.
Honestly.



Another thing I'd like to add is uhm.
I'm not sure you got that last IM I sent before you got kicked off.
"Don't duh me, because if i had any idea of what was in your mind, we wouldnt be having this conversation."
Yeah.
That set me off.
It's like you expect me to know everything.
You have to make things clear that are on your mind.
I can't read minds, you know.



And I didn't mean to get offline like I did.
I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't sit there and try to talk to you like everything was okay.
Well, it's sort of awkward.
And it hurts a hell of a lot.
...
I'm not sure what you expected.
This isn't like the other time you told me this.
Nothing had happened then.
But this time, it had.
I don't know what you were thinking, if you had your mind set that I'd be okay and things would go back to normal real quick like they did that time.
Even then, we were hardly close and it hurt.
I think you know what I'm feeling.
I'm damn sure you do.



I'm not sure what else to say right now.
I'm really just sitting here staring at nothing.
Things are running through my head so fast I can hear them.
I don't know what to stop on.
I don't know where to turn.
I'm not sure what to do with myself.



I'll just wait.
Wait for you.
Wait to live.
Wait to die.
Wait for something unknown.



Get yourself together, kid.
I need you.

Untitled o2.

I don't mean, in any way, to hurt you with this.
But this is how I'm feeling right now, and what I'm thinking.
You know I'm a tad on the bitter side, right now.
And, it's not like you didn't just crush me.


You're over it.
....liar.
You don't have a fucking clue what you want.


We were practically there.
At least, from my point of view, we were.
Everything was fine.
Going smooth.
Whatever.


And then Amelia called.
It got you thinking.
And, as much as I respect your feelings and your past, I think it's completely absurd that you're contemplating your feelings for her again or whatever you're doing.
You didn't even talk to her.
AND.
You told me you didn't want anything to do with her.
Said it to my face.
When you were here.
Yep.
Just called her back out of respect, being nice, whatever.


I don't know how much I can believe now.
I don't know if that was the truth or a lie.
I don't see how you can fucking be over it that fast.
Unless, of course, you were playing me the whole time.
Which makes no sense to me.


"I think we need to take things a bit slower for both of our sake."
You said that in the message.
And well.
What are we taking slower if you uhh.
Are over me?
Or the situation?
Or whatever.
I mean.
If you leave it at just friends, then you know, there's nothing to take slow.
Usually, when people say that, they mean take one step at a time into a relationship sort of thing.
You know?
Makes sense to me.
And I sit here and think about everything that's happened between us.
I don't see you truthfully saying it's over and we're friends.
You know damn well we're not done.

And that text.
After I gave you the damn note.
You sent me that text saying "Uhm...i uhh feel the same...yet im just blah about it. im afraid of hurting you or myself."
So.
Either you have feelings for me or you don't, Jeremy.
Pick something.


We need to have a talk face to face.
Because I'm not even sure how much I can believe anymore.
You said you wouldn't lie and whatever.
But honestly.
I can't believe that.
As ironic as it sounds.


Thinking back, the first time you ever got any information out of me [by badgering the hell out of me] was uhm, when I told you I had feelings for you.
Uhm.
That was even when you were still with Vic.
But even then, I never believed you when you said you had no feelings towards me.


You're unsure of yourself.
And we have lack of communcation on YOUR part.
I tell you everything, you tell me nothing.
So.
I think something needs to come out.
...now.
You're living in the past or something.
I don't even know.
If you'd get yer shit together, we might have something.
Well.
You would.
I'm not sure if I should uhh, use the term "we" anymore.
Since you seem to be fine and dandy without me.


Thanks.
A lot.
For crushing me.
Like no other.
I'm not sure what you expected, or even what you were thinking when you said "I don't wanna hurt you at all".
Because uhh.
You did the exact opposite, Jeremy.
And it's a pretty harsh feeling.
Probably the worst I've ever felt; physically, mentally, emotionally.
And I'd be totally okay if you'd just be open with me.
And stop covering everything up.


I still love you.
Somehow.
And as of right now, I'll be waiting.


Bella.



ps;
You can't say "fuck love" if you never loved me.

Untitled o1.

I think I told you I had things to say.
But I wasn't sure where to start, or if it was even the right time.
However, if I don't get this out, I will explode.
I'm just afraid of your reaction.
I always scared I'll push you away if I tell you things, because it might be too soon in your mind, or whatever, and I guess it's because I'm used to those reactions.
But at the same time, I'm scared I'll push you away for keeping them inside.
It doesn't balance well.
So that's why you're reading this.
-hides-


I love you.
And I don't think you have a fucking clue just how much.
Not even kidding.


You mean everything to me.
Every last object in this world could fall apart, and as long as you were there, I'd still be standing.
You're practically my life support.
The reason I breathe.
I know it's so cliche.
But it's so fucking true.


Never in my life have I had butterflies like this.
Never have I been this content with my life.
Never have I felt like this...
Or even had these feelings returned.


I'll admit, I was blind to things for a while.
Till recently, to be honest.
Like how much you really do care.
And, I guess, how important I am to you, and whathaveyou.
But I see it now.
I just still don't believe you could care as much for me as I do you.
Somehow I think, if I left, you'd be okay after a while.
But if you left...
I'm not so sure I'd ever be okay.
Please don't ever make me test that theory.


I have loved you, believe it or not, since the first time I ever laid eyes on you.
I knew.
I just knew.
You were part of my life from that moment on.
A crucial part.
My future.
I can see how much of that turned out to be true.
"You're exactly my brand of heroin."
=]


I've never had anything like this.
I keep saying and doing things and expecting some negative reply or reaction, for you to run away, freak out, something.
But you do the opposite.
You stay.
I'm not used to it.
Not at all.
-sigh-


I know it's only the beginning.
But I don't want this to end.
Ever.


And I'm not sure what you're waiting for.
Just ask me already.
You know what the answer is.


I love you, Jeremy Snow.
Be mine forever?
=]


Bella.