Teido Tashou

This was the diary entry I wanted to show you [Himitsu from myspace]
I guess there's no harm in you reading it now.
And I don't give a fuck if you think it's stupid.
This is mostly what I thought of you at that point, and then I rambled some.
You'll see.

And there's another really short blog at the end.
The Shi Kou blog from myspace?
Yeah, that's it.


"Himitsu" [Secret]
2.25.08

I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel really strange right now.


I feel okay, but at the same time I'm broken.
I feel sick, but hungry.
I feel like crying, but laughing.
I feel like being alone, but want someone here to hold on to.
Stuff like that.
Just mixed up shit.


I wish he'd work stuff out.
I mean.
I love him.
And I'm here for hmi.
But something tells me he doesn't want me anymore.
Like he's sick of me or something.
I'm not sure.


I need him to tell me who he really is.
I need him to open up.
I need him to tell me how he really feels about me.
I know he loves me.
I just don't think he likes me.


And I don't want to give up.
But I can't go through this every couple of weeks.
And I really hate how he breaks up with me when he does this.


I guess this is my moment where I blurt out all the things he does that piss me off or upset me.
...
I hate how he over-reacts and is over-dramatic about shit.
He needs to calm down.
I hate how he lets other people affect him so bad, and he falls apart.
He needs to just let it bounce.
I hate how he gets pissed off too easily at things I do.
It's like I can't do anything right.
I hate how, lately, he's taken to saying "stfu" a lot to me, in a really snappy wy, and then verbally beating me up with his snapping and yelling [and not stopping when I ask].
That fucking scared the living hell out of me.
It still does.
I hate how it's to the point where I feel like I have no control over who I'm friends with cause he doesn't like them.
You're not tearing me away from Jess, Jeremy.
I hate how he always seems to want alcohol, and sometimes gets it.
That scares me to death.


I could probably keep going.
But I won't.
There's so much stuff to fix.
And I don't know what to do.
Esp. since he's at the point of scaring me.
I'm not letting him go.
We'll get shit figured out.


But I'm not changing for him, either.
He hates "christ".
He hates Jess.
He hates Brad.
he hates half my friends, I believe.
He hates those faces I make.
He hates how I drive.
He hates certain ways I type.
I can't do this or that right.
As if he doesn't have any flaws.
I will not change for him.
There will not be a Bella and a Mindy.
There will be one, with both names.
I refuse to build a character for him.
And I refuse to be that submissive.


One thing goes wrong, I'm telling you.
I'll go off on him.
He tries to pull me from Jess.
He keeps yelling at me.
He slips up and hits me.
He tries to control me.
I'm gone.
He'll have to get his shit together again, or I won't be back.
In fact, if he does a couple of the above, I WON'T be back.


He needs help.
I try.
It doesn't work.
Cause he won't let it.
It used to.
Now he won't let me in.
That isn't gonna work.


Oh Jeremy.
I can't lose you.
I need you here, by my side.
Not running away from me.
Or yourself.
Oh god.
D:


I'm kind of afraid to see who he really is.
I'm terrified that like.
Iuno.
His real self is starting to show and the yelling and stuff might be him.
Might be real.
And at the same time, I know what he's doing isn't him at all.
-sigh-
It's so confusing.
I wish I could just close my eyes and be able to forget everything.
Or go to sleep and never wake up.
I mostly just wish he'd come sit down in front of me and tell me everything on his mind.
That he'd talk to me.


God.
Make it all okay.
Make him okay again.
Make him not have an irrational fear of things.
Ahh omg.
-screams-


I want to drown in pills.
Crank.
Something.
Anything that will kill me off.
Or just make me totally psycho.
Or send me into some heavy sleep for days.
Ahh.


He's driving me insane.
How do I deal with it?


I need to sleep.
But I can't.
I'm exhausted.
But my eyes won't close.
And when they do, my mind travels back to him yelling at me like some psycho.
And then the picture turns...


Into him actually standing there.
Yelling at me with his hand raised.
And I'm looking up at him, I can tell, with this shocked/hurt look.
Which makes me think he uhh.
Already hit me and knocked me to the floor.
In this really big apartment.
Really high up.
In a busy city.
...At least some of it's calming.


God, I know he'd never hit me.
But I guess the yelling and snapping and weird moods bring me those thoughts.
Plus that damn book, Dreamland.
Stupid Rogerson.
>_<
Anyway...
And how he pokes me so hard, my arm or whatever still hurts a week later.
o_O
Iuno.
I trust him not to do that, though.


I just seem not to be able to trust his words anymore.
He said he wouldn't do it again.
Famous last words.


I'm mad.
Sad.
Depressed.
Broken.
Sympathetic.
Worried.
Confused.
Amorous.
Scared.
Annoyed.
Everything.


You pick an emotion, I'll give you an explanation.


I'm running out of things to write out.
But I can't stop writing.
I haven't done this lately.
Just been IMs and messages to people and the notes/blog.
Haven't actually written everything out that's been going on lately.
Maybe I need to not let it build up.
Probably why I'm so aklgha too.


...He still owes me money.
Lolz.
I just realized that.
And a CD.
Gave up hope on that, though.
Hmm.
Crank.
Hello Kitty.
He has them.
And my car key.
Again.
He can keep it.
Whatever.
He can do whatever with the other stuff too.
Wonder what he did with all that junk.

Like, I took a bag and threw everything in it.
The dog.
The heart.
The poem.
The InuYasha calendar I was using to keep track of things with us.
And even the goddamn Twilight books.
Cause it's just so goddamn easy to compare him to Cullen.
...Ha.
Even Edward runs off.
More than once, technically.
> >;
Fuck that's creepy.
o_O


Hmm...
I cling to his scarf like it's my life support.
I know he'll be back so I'm not even worried about trying to get my shit back.
Or give his back.
I like the scarf anyway.
It's warm.
And it's his.
-__-


Something tells me I'll get another message from him tomorrow morning.
Or sometime.
Something else tells me I'd like to smack him.
o_O


Everything's a reminder of him.
My posters.
My art.
My books.
My bed.
My chair.
Pokemon.
Music [damn 101.9 for doing that to me yesterday]
Even Bella.


...He needs to fucking stop scaring her to death.
omg.


I'm rambling.
Gonna try to get some sleep.
$10 says he won't go to school tomorrow.
Watch.
...Ugh.
It's 4am.
-screams-


Yay for 10 pages of nothing.
Fuck.






"Shi Kou..." [I think...]

I found this in one of Mary's first posts of the 2007 year.
It's self explanatory.


Speaking of trust, it really hurts people when you lead them on and then throw everything back in their face when you're through with them. It's one thing to lose feelings for somebody, but when you're having thoughts about another fucking girl you'd better say something. And if you're having a problem with me, TELL ME so I can work on it.

Good. Fucking. Gracious.


I uhh.
Agree with her.
...
I sound like an idiot.
But seriously.
In my situation right now?
That's all I really have to say.
Problems with someone?
The only solution is to open up to them and tell them.
So things can be fixed.





Thank you, Jeremy Snow.
I hope you get yourself together.
You need help.


>_<
I hate how I still care about you.
Fucking hell.